I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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