Your mouth is God's brothel.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
