He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
