I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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