It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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