i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
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the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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