She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
