Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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