Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
