I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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