he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
