if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
