i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm sobbing to NWA
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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