Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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