ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
