woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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