i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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