a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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