I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
