We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
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