I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
