from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
