My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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