he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
