I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
