capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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