So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
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So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
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Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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