Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My dad just said "fuck circus"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
