I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
