You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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