where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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