i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
