Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
