we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
