he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
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She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
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I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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