Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
