Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
