And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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