So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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