i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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