somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
