i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
