I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
