If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
