I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
