someone threw a dead crab at me
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
