Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
