my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
