I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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