1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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