hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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