Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
