I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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