Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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