Plan B is the new Plan A
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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