I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
